Babysitter, babysitter, where for art thou babysitter?

In honor of the unveiling of Baby Suri and the announcement that Baby Shiloh Brangelina has been knighted by the Queen and the anticipation for Baby Britney 2.0’s arrival, I will treat you all to a child-themed post…

OK, anyone who has kids is more than welcome to explain to me where I might be wrong in assuming this… Perhaps the fact that I don’t have children and don’t even know if I want to have them is clouding my judgment here…. Then again, perhaps it’s not….
Since when did it become acceptable to have kids in the workplace? I’m not talking about people who work at Disneyworld or the zoo…I’m talking about investment banking firms and restaurants/cafes. Now, before I get started on my tirade, I want to make something clear – I don’t have an issue with kids in the office on the official “take your kid to work day” [1] and I don’t have an issue with kids coming in for a few hours on a half day just before/after a holiday (i.e. the Friday before Memorial/Labor Day or the day after Thanksgiving). As far as I know, no one is really working on those days anyway.

No, I’m talking about just a regular-ass day like any other… I’ve noticed that it especially happens towards the end of the summer, but it can be a year-round occurrence. Through my non-Mommy eyes, this is what it looks like to me - your kid has nothing on his/her agenda for the day – camp is over or school is closed, and rather than actually make arrangements, you pack your brat along with your salad and head into the office. Once you arrive, you go about your business, doing your work while your colleagues are exposed to your hyperactive, pietre dish, snot nosed spawn. I’ve heard parents say to the kids that they bring in to the office on more than one occasion, “OK, Mommy/Daddy has work to do. You go find something to keep yourself occupied with.” Lots of times, these parents unleash their kids on their secretaries. Um, OK, because planning your days and doing your grunt work and getting you from point A to B on time and reminding you to eat and pee is not enough to keep your secretary busy. No, that’s certainly not enough work. Why have a secretary when you could have a nannytary or an assistanny? Multitasking, people! It’s all about the multitasking! But of course, you’re the working parent who does it all, thank-you-very-much! I’m sorry, but the going rate for nannies in NYC is what, about $25/hr? I highly doubt that anyone who drops their kid on their assistant is going to leave a couple of crisp hundos on the desk at the end of the day… Not that anyone with a corner office or who has their own assistant reads my blog, but just in case one stumbles upon this little rant – guess what – your secretary cannot boss your kid around. Your kid is an extension of you, and by dumping your kid on your secretary’s lap, you are in essence, forcing the person that your company pays to assist you with work related tasks to be all smiles to your little brat. I’m really sure that it was your assistant’s plan all along to eat lunch at a cheesy theme restaurant. I mean, grown ups without kids eat at Chuck E. Cheese all the time. It’s my favorite lunchtime destination, for sure! You know, it’s one thing if you want to step on your assistant, but to have your kid do it too? So, now your assistant feels like crap and isn’t getting their work done. On top of that, they’re not going to yell at your kid – so, essentially your kid is at the helm… Oh, and don’t even get me started on the people who don’t have an assistant – their kids just go straight to driving the general public of the office crazy without the pit-stop at the nannytary’s desk.

You know, if I took off my shoes, stuck my finger up my nose, and started doing summersaults down the hallway while screaming[2], I would most likely be escorted out of the building promptly. If I went into a corner office and plugged my iPod into the PC and started pumping SexyBack by Justin Timberlake so loud that it could be heard clear across the floor[2a], it wouldn’t matter if it was 5:30pm, HR would still tell me to pump my pop outside because at this firm, we work (not rock) around the clock.

When I was a kid, my mom stayed at home, so there was none of this going to the office with her malarkey. However, whenever we went out in public, we were by her side, quiet – unspoken unless spoken to, etc. And for those rare occasions when we started to get out of line, my mother had a secret weapon. She may not have believed in dinosaurs, but my mom was a firm believer in what we call simply “The Pinch”. Imagine, bony fingers grabbing you just above your elbow, punching while pulling and twisting a slight bit. Man, my mom could patent “The Pinch” and sell it as a self-defense technique. I know one or two overly aggressive drunken football players from high school who can attest to the power of The Pinch (and my fingers are not nearly as bony as my mom’s).

I mean seriously, if I started hiding under people’s desks while they were off making copies and welcomed them back[3] by growling, I’d be sent to the psychoanalyst on my way out the door. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that if it were me sashaying down the line of stalls in the ladies room peering into each crack in the doors to see who was conducting their “business”, I’d be sued as well as fired.

But I know- it’s hard to see the field when your head is up the cow’s ass. So, let me tell you, your kids are not cute while they are in the workplace. As soon as they slap on that little visitor’s pass, they become hideous distractions. A 3 legged, 2 headed donkey-man with mange and halitosis would be less of a distraction. Odds are, your child is too young to stay home alone unsupervised and you brought them to the office so that someone could keep an eye on them. Here’s a HINT – if your kid is going to get in trouble being home alone where they have access to video games, toys, computers, etc. odds are that they should not, SHOULD NOT, be running around an office full of paper shredders, copy machines and nasty people like me all by themselves. I’m sorry, but I think that as a grown up, I ought not have to censor myself – telling an annoying salesman that he’s a “poopie-head” and to “take my name off his flippin’ list” just doesn’t seem effective. It’s like watching “Scarface” on UPN. Unacceptable. As a member of the workforce, I ought to be able to come to work and be left alone while I blog about the things that annoy me rather than being kicked in the shins by them…. So, next time you’re taking your kid home from the office, don’t come complaining to me if they have a giant bruise right above their elbow…I simply cannot help it if I have to channel my mom and The Pinch…

I swear if I ever own a business that has employees with children, there will be a sign at the door: “You must be this tall to ride this ride.” [4]

[1] (I’m lying, I have issue with people bringing infants into the office for an extended period of time on the Take your Kid to Work “holiday” – I mean, isn’t the whole idea behind it so that your kid can see what it’s like to slave away at your job all day and begin to understand why it’s important that they a) marry rich and b) leave you the hell alone when you get home because you just had a crap day? Besides, I thought that the big draw for bringing your kids to work is that you can get all that backed up “busy work” done – I mean, what infant is going to file, staple and collate for you?)

[2] don’t think I haven’t thought about doing it, on more than one occasion.

[2a] don’t think I haven’t thought about doing that, on more than one occasion either.

[3] and giving them myocardial infarctions

[4] Oooh, I could probably avoid dealing with my fear of “little people” that way too. Sweet.