Land of the lost...
I have had a monopoly on shocking dinnertime announcements in my traditional (read: Republican )[1]), Irish Catholic mother’s house for quite some time. Some of the better ones under my belt include:
“I don’t believe in Catholicism, or God. Please pass the stuffing.”
“I’m moving in with my boyfriend, may I have the gravy?”
“Cousin K. is a lesbian. Bread, please.”
“I’m not going back to NYU. I’m going to canvass for a non-profit environmental org. Potatoes, please.”
“Oh, my new boyfriend is a Conservadox Jew. More ham, please. It’s quite tasty.”
“I quit my job. I’m going to Europe for a few months. I leave next week. Could you pass the salt?”
Granted, these aren’t earth shattering statements to you or me. However, to my mom, a self-proclaimed “creature of habit,” who considers going to the Pathmark instead of the Shop Rite a big change. That, coupled with the fact that they were all made before I turned 22, these are pretty heavy announcements.
Going to my mom’s house for Sunday dinner is a ritual in our family. There is usually little drama, except when my Drunkle is around [2]. So, of course, I was shocked when two weeks ago, my mother dropped a dinner table announcement that trumps all of mine combined. For the 26 years that I have known her, my mother has been keeping a secret of ginormous proportions. It’s easier for me to admit that she’s a card carrying Republican [3] than to retell her secret. But here goes it… My mother does not believe in…. brace yourself…. DINOSAURS. Yes, you read that correctly. The woman thinks that dinosaurs are fake – the stuff of sci-fi writers.
Me: But Mom! We’ve been to the Museum of Natural History! You’ve seen the bones! The fossils! WTF?!?!
Mom: Yeah, but no. I’ve never believed in them, ever since my third grade field trip to the AMNH. I mean, they’re just too big. Come on, they’re just too damn big.
I was in utter shock. My brother (I call him Skunky/Skunkers/etc.), a teacher, tried his best to explain timelines and theories of extinction, but he too was unsuccessful. Skunkers and I got our significant others in on it, and the 4 of us, armed with countless hours of late night Discovery Channel hours under our belts were unable to convince my mom that dinosaurs existed. My main question was that if dinosaurs didn’t exist, where the hell did these giant bones and skulls come from? My mom’s theory – wooly mammoths (she kind of believes in them) and beached whales who buried themselves in mass graves. Creative scientists then pulled from this jumble of bones and made these dream creatures…. I’ll never wonder where my creative side comes from….
When we could not sway her, I decided that a trip to the museum was necessary. So, last Sunday, we all piled into my little hybrid and went to the museum. After 4 plus hours and many exhibits, I asked my mom her opinion… At which point, she replied, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of dinosaurs.” Oh, how true to her Republicanism.
So, now I’m left to ponder how I regain my title of Dinner Table Shock Master. At this point, aside from saying “I’m pregnant [4], please pass the brontosaurus burgers,” I think I’ve lost. Suggestions are welcome.
-AKA The Girl
[1] Shudder. Wince. Shed a tear.
[2] He is a whole other can of worms, that Drunken Uncle of mine. More on him some other time.
[3] Shudder. Wince. Shed a tear.
[4] Knowing what I now know about my family, I think it would probably be criminal for me to bring offspring into this world…
“I don’t believe in Catholicism, or God. Please pass the stuffing.”
“I’m moving in with my boyfriend, may I have the gravy?”
“Cousin K. is a lesbian. Bread, please.”
“I’m not going back to NYU. I’m going to canvass for a non-profit environmental org. Potatoes, please.”
“Oh, my new boyfriend is a Conservadox Jew. More ham, please. It’s quite tasty.”
“I quit my job. I’m going to Europe for a few months. I leave next week. Could you pass the salt?”
Granted, these aren’t earth shattering statements to you or me. However, to my mom, a self-proclaimed “creature of habit,” who considers going to the Pathmark instead of the Shop Rite a big change. That, coupled with the fact that they were all made before I turned 22, these are pretty heavy announcements.
Going to my mom’s house for Sunday dinner is a ritual in our family. There is usually little drama, except when my Drunkle is around [2]. So, of course, I was shocked when two weeks ago, my mother dropped a dinner table announcement that trumps all of mine combined. For the 26 years that I have known her, my mother has been keeping a secret of ginormous proportions. It’s easier for me to admit that she’s a card carrying Republican [3] than to retell her secret. But here goes it… My mother does not believe in…. brace yourself…. DINOSAURS. Yes, you read that correctly. The woman thinks that dinosaurs are fake – the stuff of sci-fi writers.
Me: But Mom! We’ve been to the Museum of Natural History! You’ve seen the bones! The fossils! WTF?!?!
Mom: Yeah, but no. I’ve never believed in them, ever since my third grade field trip to the AMNH. I mean, they’re just too big. Come on, they’re just too damn big.
I was in utter shock. My brother (I call him Skunky/Skunkers/etc.), a teacher, tried his best to explain timelines and theories of extinction, but he too was unsuccessful. Skunkers and I got our significant others in on it, and the 4 of us, armed with countless hours of late night Discovery Channel hours under our belts were unable to convince my mom that dinosaurs existed. My main question was that if dinosaurs didn’t exist, where the hell did these giant bones and skulls come from? My mom’s theory – wooly mammoths (she kind of believes in them) and beached whales who buried themselves in mass graves. Creative scientists then pulled from this jumble of bones and made these dream creatures…. I’ll never wonder where my creative side comes from….
When we could not sway her, I decided that a trip to the museum was necessary. So, last Sunday, we all piled into my little hybrid and went to the museum. After 4 plus hours and many exhibits, I asked my mom her opinion… At which point, she replied, “I cannot confirm or deny the existence of dinosaurs.” Oh, how true to her Republicanism.
So, now I’m left to ponder how I regain my title of Dinner Table Shock Master. At this point, aside from saying “I’m pregnant [4], please pass the brontosaurus burgers,” I think I’ve lost. Suggestions are welcome.
-AKA The Girl
[1] Shudder. Wince. Shed a tear.
[2] He is a whole other can of worms, that Drunken Uncle of mine. More on him some other time.
[3] Shudder. Wince. Shed a tear.
[4] Knowing what I now know about my family, I think it would probably be criminal for me to bring offspring into this world…
posted by The Girl at 5:05 PM
9 Comments:
Hilarious. If you want to see true Republicanism, though, wait until you debate your mother about a pressing issue facing America. Win the debate by pulling the dino-card. "How can I take you seriously? You believe in DINOSAURS!" The last word, right? Not exactly. She'll come back with, "I see. You want the terrorists to win!"
I sympathize with your shock problem. After you've renounced God there's only step you can take to make the dinner table party drop their forks: that's right, you need to take a stack of money and set it on fire.
Just don't expect dessert.
Obviously, above, I meant "You *don't* believe in DINOSAURS!"
Sigh. Lefties can't get their facts straight. It's why we lose elections.
Sure, could you lend me a stack of $ to set ablaze?
Oh, too bad my family is Catholic. If they were Muslim, I could just draw a cartoon of El Prophet and hold it up at the table. I wouldn't even have to say a word...
I'm leaving [your man's name here] for my new lover. She's adorable, I think you'll love her.
Thanks for the suggestion, but I think my cousin K may have the lesbian market cornered... Then again... You never know. :)
LMAO
My boss man at work doesn't believe in Homo Erectus, or any other species other than us!
He also thinks the bones were hapharzardly strewn togehter from gorrillas and such..what is up with the right??
Your mom, in her defense, is cool as hell though. I love me some homemade sauce!
Its Julia by the way, forgot to write my name in the thingy...
How very Bill Hicks this situation must be for you. Yikes. I've recently spoken to a friend of mine who has met a girl who DOESN'T BELIEVE IN BATS. Thinks that they are made up. Yet apparently she believes in spirits residing in rocks, trees, lakes, remote control for the tv, unwashed socks, etc, etc. Has this person avoided nature documenteries and such all her life?
If only I went to school to be a science teacher instead of a history teacher. Now if only I was teaching history...
and stop calling me skunky, skunkers etc. on the internet!
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